I'm not a cryer. In fact, I used to schedule time on my calendar every two to three weeks to cry, because it helps me to relieve stress. But, I just don't feel the need to cry very often. I'll tear up when bearing my testimony or feeling the Spirit, or when there is a really touching part in a movie, but every day actions, good and bad, just don't make me cry.

But, after coming home yesterday from Emma's parent teacher conference, I bawled. Not because Emma is being bad in school; in fact it's quite the contrary.

I have spent the last three days at countless school things for Logan and Emma. I always go to their events, I eat lunch with them on occasion, but I spend a lot more time helping out my older two children. I'm there for my middle two, but I've always had the philosophy that I'll "really" focus on them once Cameron leaves the house and then Errolyn. But, when Cameron and Errolyn were in Elementary School, the same ages as Logan and Emma now, I volunteered a lot more to help out at school events, I tried more to talk to them because they were my first children, and I knew everything that was going on in their lives.

Well, over the last three days, I have gone on a GT field trip with Logan, I've been to two of his choir concerts where he sang so brilliantly and I was one proud mom, I've taken Emma with me on errands, I've gone to Emma's Field Day and still have Logan's to attend later today, and then went to two parent teacher conferences. On the field trip, I think I talked with Logan more than I have all month. I talk to him in snippets at home, but rarely a 3 or 4 hour long conversation. It was wonderful. At his parent teacher conference, which was student led, he talked to me for a full 20 minutes about everything he's been doing all year. Most of it was stuff I had no idea about and it was wonderful. I was so proud of him. But, I felt like I didn't even know my own child.

Then, yesterday, I went to Emma's student led conference and she talked for 20 minutes about everything she had accomplished, her likes, her goals, what she wanted to still achieve... and I realized that I was so very proud of her but that I barely knew her. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

I've been so focused on making sure my older two, who are leaving soon, are ready for the world and ready for life. And I've been focused on being there for my 2 year old, Allie, who really needs me, and so my middle two have gone by the wayside.

At those student led conferences, I realized how wonderful Logan and Emma are. They are smart, responsible, creative children who are full of promise and spirit. And I feel like I've missed part of their growing up. My eyes were opened to how wonderful they are... and how much I really want to get to know them. I love Logan and Emma! I will make a bigger effort to talk to them and really get to know them... because I want to... because I love them... because they deserve to have a mother who is part of their life NOW, not just when I have time because the older kids are gone.

I have already made an effort to talk to them more and I can't believe how much they are really willing to open up to me when I put aside my busy life and just focus on them. I feel like we're finally having real conversations instead of snippets here and there.  I know this all probably sounds silly to some and I've tried to always be aware of my middle children so they don't get lost in the mix. I've enrolled them in sports, music, clubs, etc. and I attend everything I can. But, putting them in activities isn't enough. I want to know these wonderful little people that are part of my family. I want to be a part of their lives... because they're worth it... and because I love them!  I will do better! I love all of my children and want to know all of them and be a "real" part of all of their lives!